August 13, 2015

A List of My Complaints

I always have a hard time finding that much sought after blogger balance, where you're not too negative but you also don't have daisies growing out of your butt. I'm naturally more of a realist (which is not to be confused with pessimism if the worst actually does end up happening), so I find that I sometimes overcompensate on my blog and end my posts with "this feels like the start of something great."

Don't get me wrong; I truly do think my life is pretty great right now. But this is real life and even the greatness comes with at least a small side of WTF.

So instead of boring you again with how my grocery stores are magical and my fiance grows daisies out of his butt, today I thought I'd post a list of my general complaints so far during this move.

1. Movers.
I hired movers because if there is one thing I'll spend my money on, it's convenience. And convenience is having someone else move 30 boxes and a queen size bed from my apartment to a moving van. I did, however, go with the cheapest movers I could find.

So I wasn't too surprised when they gave me a delivery window of about a month.

I had brought all of my essentials with me so this really didn't bother me; I figured a month was a large timeframe, but I can be patient if it means saving a few hundred bucks. However, what I didn't realize was how large the window actually was.

You see, their delivery window was literally the entire month. Meaning that my delivery man called me at 7:30 PM on Tuesday evening and told me that they would be delivering my stuff that evening... at around 10:30 PM.

Since he wanted me to pay in cash, I scrambled to the bank to withdraw the money. But it turns out that the bank is only open during banking hours, because generally people don't need to withdraw large sums of money at 8PM. (Or, if they do, the bank is probably the least of their problems.)

So I called the delivery man back and asked him if he could come tomorrow so that I could withdraw the money. He said yes, sure, he will come tomorrow... at 6AM.

So this is my first complaint: the first people I saw Wednesday morning were two very sweaty men carrying my recently broken desk.

2. CrossFit.
Moving to new places can be fun, but it also means that you have to start from ground zero in the friends department. The only people I know in this town are Derrick and his parents. I love them all, but calling them my friends seems a bit misleading. Like saying you splurged after eating an apple and fifteen dark chocolate chips.

Usually in this situation, I sign up for a running group. But to be honest, it's hot as balls down here and I'm in terrible running shape. So I did the next logical thing: I signed up for a free CrossFit class.

This isn't on the complaint list because CrossFit sucks. It was actually everything I thought it'd be: a big black room littered with monster truck tires that the members presumably throw around during the week.

No, my complaint is actually two somewhat unrelated issues:

One is that Derrick considers this the trendiest thing I have ever done, even more so than eating organic almond butter. He also doesn't hold back when making fun of me for it; for the past three days, he's been doing things like the "CrossFit fridge open" which includes him squatting with one leg to get the milk.

The second is that it made me explode. Like, literally, explode.

You see, the first thing we did was handstands. It turns out that doing handstands in the pool is a lot easier than real life handstands though, so I did mine against the wall.

Or, I should say, I attempted to do them against the wall; the first time I kicked up, I was in the handstand position for about 0.5 seconds. Unfortunately, my arms are used to my legs doing the standing so they were not prepared, causing me to come crashing down on my head.

After that, I was too scared to get myself up in the handstand position. That's not the CrossFit way though; when one of the coaches saw me dolphin kicking against a wall in the corner, he came over and forced my legs up into the handstand position.

It was really uncomfortable because it did not feel like my head was meant to be stood upon.

And it turns out that I may have been right. After I got out of the shower later that evening, I noticed that the skin around and the whites of my eyes were covered in little red dots. After a panicked Google search, I learned that this was a result of capillaries in my face bursting. It apparently happens somewhat often, when people give birth or have constipation or are forced into handstands.

So that is my second complaint: mockery and a mild face explosion.

And with that said, I have run out of things to complain about... which is lame, because I don't think two things really counts as a list. Sort of like fifteen chocolate chips does not count as dessert, and future in-laws do not count as friends.

I guess this means I'll be sticking with the positivity from now on, at least until I bust a kneecap making chicken salad or something. Which, judging by the last three days, isn't as unlikely as you might think.