April 03, 2015

My Heart Murmurs

As a slightly interesting but mostly underwhelming sequel to "The Time My Doctor Made Me Wear a Heart Monitor," I learned yesterday that one of my heart valves is slightly leaky and evidently regurgitates a bit every time it does its thing.

My doctor says it's nothing to worry about but that it does cause a faint murmur, which also isn't something to worry about unless you frequent WebMD. (In which case, you have cancer and are going to die.) Unfortunately, my doctor didn't tell me what exactly my heart was murmuring though.

However, if I had to guess, I'm assuming my heart is murmuring mostly a bunch of expletives. I mean, that's what I'd be saying if I regurgitated 43 times a minute.

Okay, okay, that was corny... but also kind of amusing. In fact, the thought of my heart murmuring to itself, "Eff this *burp* shiz," actually makes me chuckle a bit. And it also makes me wonder what other parts of my body would say if they could, you know, murmur.

Butt: What, you didn't want me to grow? Why'd you look at that pizza then?

Boobs: Stop complaining; you're much more aerodynamic this way.

Biceps: Please don't get into a bar fight.

Hair: It buuuuuuuuuurrrnnnnnns!

Skin on Face: Pimples build character. You're welcome.

Skin on Rest of Body: Don't blame us for your face. We're just down here being a cooperative protective barrier.

Feet: Heels? Really?

Wisdom Teeth: We love mayhem. *Continues causing mayhem.*

Eyes: Glasses? Totally unnecessary. And I don't know what headache you're talking about.

Stomach: It's a Chinese buffet. Why did you expect?

Knees: I'm here to make shaving as inconvenient as possible.

Lungs: OMG, HEART, WOULD YOU STOP BURPING?

... This was weird.
Happy Friday.