April 01, 2015

An Open Letter to the Gums in the Back of My Mouth

Dear Gums in the Back of my Mouth,

I know I haven't written to you personally before so I guess in a way, this might be my fault.

But then again, I've never written to any part of my body before, yet they all have managed (for the most part) to keep their sh*t together. So really, I don't feel too bad.

Anyway, because you're gums and probably need to get back to doing gum-related things, I'm going to get right to the point: knock it off. And you know what "it" is.

But in case you want me to be clear, the "it" I wish you would quit is making huge holes in the back of my mouth where my wisdom teeth should be. I mean, listen, I get it: maybe in someone else's mouth, what you're doing would be useful. I'm sure that wisdom teeth need you to start spontaneously receding in order for them to come in right.

But ours aren't coming in, Gums. Yes, for years now our wisdom teeth have been stuck in our jaw by a bone blocking the way. They weren't coming when I was 16 and they're not coming now. So why are you continuing to make holes for them?

Do you like the feeling of pretzel bits getting stuck there? Because I certainly don't. Is it fun for you when I rinse my mouth out with salt water after every meal to get rid of the breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner particles that are trapped in a hole that shouldn't even be there?

Because it's not fun. It's not cute. It's downright irritating. So knock it off.

Also, other than telling you to quit it, I am writing this letter as a warning: I am going to the dentist today to discuss a few things. Namely, we are going to discuss slicing you open, digging around for those wisdom teeth (that are still stuck, by the way), and then sewing you up. And then we're only going to eat soup and pudding for a few days.

Doesn't sound fun, does it?

Well, now you know how I feel. So, Gums in the Back of my Mouth, maybe you should have thought about that before you started doing very un-gum-like things. I don't feel sorry for you.