March 05, 2015

The Top 10 Most Annoying Things You Can Do on Your Blog

I've long ago accepted that most of my blog readers fall into one of two categories: 1) other bloggers and 2) my mom. I've also long ago accepted that I probably won't overtake the internet with a fan base the consists of about 0.1% of the population... but that was a tough truth to swallow.

However, the silver lining is that I can talk about blog related things without fear that I will exclude a large portion of my readers.

Which is great really because I do consider myself an expert on all things blogging. I mean, they didn't feature me in Time magazine last month for nothing. (Or maybe they just didn't feature me. One or the other.)

Regardless, I've spent my fair share of time studying, analyzing, and judging the blogging practices of my peers so (Time feature story or not) I think you will all be happy to hear what I have for you today: the top 10 terrible, annoying, totally unforgivable things you can do on your blog.

1. Write too many posts in list format.
It's lazy and frankly, you can never trust what's on a list anyway.

2. Write too many general advice posts.
We all know you're only doing it as a sad attempt to give readers what you think they want. And what kind of publication was ever successful doing that?

3. Write too many personal posts.
Listen, if we wanted personal stories, we'd go to your personal website.

4. Post too many pictures.
Do you ever wonder why Dr. Seuss never "made it"? Because there's no place in this world for color and joy.

5. Don't post enough pictures.
Words are a lie perpetuated by high school English teachers, and no one has ever been successful writing them. And if you think someone has, it's like you're living in a magical world filled with wizards and goblins and evil lords who aren't named. (Not that anyone ever got famous because of that, either.)

6. Post too many affiliate links.
I swear, if one more blogger sits me down and forces me to read another sponsored post about aluminum foil, I'm going to lose it. I think I made it very clear by my prominent internet presence that I have a very busy schedule and no time for kitchen products.

7. Post pictures that I don't like.
These aren't the quality pictures I paid good money to see.

8. Have split ends.
To think that someone living in such sin might have something interesting to say.

9. Promote your blog too much.
If you're going to force us to follow you on Twitter, the least you can do is have the courtesy to not advertise your hard work.

10. Complain about what other bloggers are doing with their blogs.
As long as they're not lying, promoting terrorism, or insulting your mother, why does it matter if you don't like what they do? Even if they are all wrong and you're the only one doing it right, you should be glad: you're well on your way to creating a blog monopoly and overtaking the internet. And isn't that what we're all here to do anyway?

And just for kicks, I thought I'd add the top two things that will make you a successful blogger: irony, followed closely by sarcasm. Because why say what you mean when you can confuse people instead?