February 25, 2015

The Most Embarrassing Thing That's Ever Happened to Me


Warning: This post may not be appropriate for children or anyone planning on eating in the next 30 minutes.

I have no idea why I'm sharing this online, but I guess that hasn't stopped me yet. So here it goes:

Hands down, the absolute most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me happened around five years ago, a few months after I started dating Derrick. At that time, we were still in the "Girls Don't Poop" phase of our relationship. (A phase that ended about six months ago.)

Now, I knew that Derrick knew that girls did indeed poop. But I was a lady, after all, a refined 19-year-old woman with a refined beer-and-frozen-mozzarella-stick-palate. I had a certain image to keep.

So for a while, it was of the utmost importance that Derrick never knew when, where, and how often I did the deed. (Looking back, this strategy was completely counterproductive seeing as Derrick's dearest goal the first four years of our relationship became to catch me pooping.)

Anyway, this story takes place a few months after we started dating when I went home with Derrick for the first time to meet his family. I would be staying with Derrick for a few days at the beginning of Christmas break before I flew back to Maryland for the holidays.

I wasn't sure how I was going to keep up my charade as the woman who never poops; I guess I was hoping for a brief but severe bout of constipation.

Unfortunately, however, that didn't happen. Sadly, less than 24 hours after arriving at his mom's house, I had to go.

Naturally, I was distraught; I couldn't see a way out of this besides biting the bullet and taking a magazine into the bathroom. So imagine my glee when Derrick told me he had to go run an errand. (For the life of me, I can't remember what the errand was.) Regardless, I told Derrick "No worries! I'll just go for a run while you're out! It'll be great."

And it was great because the moment Derrick's taillights were out of view, I was in the bathroom as sweet, sweet relief washed over me.

The relief was fleeting however because moments later, I flushed. And nothing happened.

Now, I know this is not particularly pleasant but it's a fact of life that sometimes, toilets clog. And this, my friends, was a clog like no clog I had ever before witnessed. For five minutes, I tried desperately with every plunger maneuver in the books to get the damn thing to flush.

But nothing.

At this point, I was beginning to panic. So naturally, I called my mom. (Although I'm not sure what I was expecting her to do; toilet-unclogging is one of those things that doesn't work well over the phone.) And indeed, after five minutes of talking, the only thing I had accomplished was provide what sounded like a historic fit of laughter.

By then, I was beyond desperate; I had no idea when Derrick would be back but I knew that I could not let him find me in this situation. So I did the unthinkable: I went downstairs and told his step-dad what was happening and asked for help.

Honestly, I didn't think there could be anything in this world more humiliating than sitting outside that bathroom as my boyfriend's step-father, whom I had met less than 48 hours earlier, plunged one of my turds out of the toilet.

But it turns out, there was. That being when he emerged from the bathroom a couple minutes later saying that the plunger wasn't working and that he needed "the Snake."

I wish I was making this story up but even I do not have a sick enough mind to imagine a scenario where I had created, in my new boyfriend's home, a situation that required the Snake. Devastating, humiliating, embarrassing... these words do not do this scene justice.

Derrick's step-dad did manage to eventually free the toilet of its clog (in what I considered the silver lining of the afternoon) before Derrick got home. And I vowed to myself that I would never speak of this incident. Derrick would never know.

However, four and a half years later (when the whole pooping thing was sort of a moot point), I decided to tell Derrick about that devastating incident. I needed to get it off my chest.

And what did Derrick say after I finally admitted the darkest secret of our budding relationship?

"Oh yeah, don't worry; my step-dad told me about that later that night."