February 27, 2015

I Have Failed



You may remember not too long ago when I posted about my "kinda-budget," i.e., my plan for saving money that was so lame, I felt guilty calling it a budget. My "kinda-budget" had two rules:

1. Stop going to Whole Foods after work during the week.
2. Adhere to rule 1.

Given the pretty straightforward nature of these rules, you'd probably have been scratching your head if you saw me at the Whole Foods' hot bar last night after work getting dinner. But really, there's a good explanation for that: I am a failure.

Believe me, I had a ton of good excuses ready in case any of my blog readers somehow caught me in the act. I mean, the Whole Foods' hot bar is hot, it's right across the street, and it doesn't require me to get out a pan. (Or really a kitchen plate, for that matter.)

And after a long day at work with three different people giving me three different VERY IMPORTANT, URGENT, MUST BE FINISHED ASAP things to do simultaneously, no one in their right mind would want to touch a pan or a kitchen plate. I mean, there are only so many impossible things a woman can do in one day, you know?

And maybe these excuses might deserve a good sympathy pat or two, but they don't change the very sad fact that I am, without a doubt, a failure. (At least at kinda-budgets, that is.)

So while I'm sitting here eating an overpriced meal from a cardboard take-out box, wallowing in self-pity, I might as well go the whole nine yards and tell you all about other things that I'm a failure at. I mean, it's not like I have any pans to wash.

I'm a failure at... finishing books. My mom once told me that "life is too short to read bad books." I took that phrase to heart and am very liberal in deeming a book bad... which is why I haven't finished 75% of the books I've started.

I'm a failure at... retirement planning. I'm told my IRA won't do me much good unless I, you know, put stuff in it.

I'm a failure at... clearing my mind. In college, I had this trick to clear my mind before bed: I would think of a blank, white sheet of paper. (Like counting sheep, only weirder.) My roommate tried my tactic once but she said it didn't work for her because her piece of paper would always turn into a book of colored construction paper flapping about.

I didn't understand her problem until I got my first job. Now, whenever I think about that piece of paper, it always ends with someone feeding it into a shredder, scattering it over a bed of nails, and demanding that I reconstruct it immediately.

I'm a failure at... voicemails. How can one be a failure at voicemails, you ask? Easy: you ignore them.

I'm a failure at... organization in general. I live in a constant state of controlled chaos. (But I choose to focus on "controlled" rather than "chaos.")

I'm a failure at... cold weather. You know the people who suck it up and take the brutal temperatures and howling, snow-infested winds with grace? I don't trust them.

I'm a failure at... money laundering. But only because I've never tried.

I'm a failure at... staying relevant after 8 PM. After that, my brain stops doing its brain things. And once it starts coming up with things like "money laundering," I think we know we're done here.

Happy Friday!
And even if you're not happy, you can take some of mine; I'm going to Florida this weekend, so I've got plenty.