January 28, 2015

Nine Lies That You Probably Believe

Edited 1/28: Some of you may have realized that this list actually contains ten lies, not nine. It originally had nine but that was before one of my favorite readers/commenters/bloggers, Bethany, informed me that the phrase is "a watched pot never boils," not a "watch-pot never boils." Teaches me to snark on my foremothers, huh?

Also, I realize the irony of the title of this post now being a lie. Fortunately, I love irony.

The other day, as I was hard boiling an egg, a thought occurred to me: I've been hard boiling eggs for years and every time I do, I watch the pot of water come to a boil. Yes, despite what my foremothers would have me believe, my watched pot always boils. Always.

And this got me sort of angry. I mean, how many egg boilers, tea drinkers, spaghetti makers, and microwave-less oatmeal eaters out there have been avoiding pots their entire life out of fear that their watched pot would never boil and they would consequently never get their egg, tea, spaghetti, or bowl of oats?

It's madness. A conspiracy, one might even say.

And that's not even the worst part. You see, as I sat there for the next 12 minutes waiting for my boiled egg to harden, as I was fuming over the blatant lies that are perpetuated about pot watching, I realized that we actually live in a world full of lies.

I mean, I guess I should have seen it coming after the whole Santa debacle but still... wasn't that lie bad enough?

Yes, we live in a world filled with lies and if you don't believe me... well, you should. Because here before you is just a sampling of other lies that we as a society have been led to believe our whole lives.

Damn those foremothers.

 Like I said before; it's a scandal. The next biggest government conspiracy after Valentine's Day.

Although I'm tempted to keep using it, just out of spite. Don't tell me how to English, foremothers!

Okay, technically I have hazel eyes but I've heard that the contrasting purple will still bring out my green. Absolutely a lie. And 99% of the reason my best friend in 6th grade was my cat.

One word: college. I can't count the number of times I did a good amount of hooting and still got up the next morning to look at chemistry with the eagles. (I'm not sure if I'd exactly consider it "flying" but I was definitely flapping.)

Who said this and why has she not tried cheese?

Unless this is true, in which case I hope no one from Comcast is in charge of other important things. Like grandmothers and house plants.

Whoever said this clearly has not mastered the art of "pity crying." Spill you milk in the Whole Foods' parking lot? A good pity cry may be of a lot of use. Perhaps even a new gallon of 2% milk full of use, if you do it right.

It's not that I'm taking sides on the whole "Deflategate" scandal or anything. Except that I really am and Tom Brady is a smug little whiny ball-deflator and anyone who likes him should reevaluate their morals.

Never in the history of non-chicken things has this statement been true.

Hah, just kidding; this one's true.

Unless of course it was your mom behind the pot watching rumor. In which case, I'd be skeptical.