January 05, 2015

I Think Kids at the Aquarium Are Annoying


Kids at the aquarium suck. And no one should ever bring them there.

You see, the reason people pay $35 to go to the Baltimore Aquarium is because they want to experience what it's like to be in the serene and magical depths of the ocean.

And in the serene, magical depths of the ocean, kids are not running into the first exhibit and pressing their noses against the shark tank because the tiger shark is SO COOL. And in the serene, magical depths of the ocean, kids are not walking around to the other side of the same tank and reaffirming their previously stated opinion that tiger sharks are SO, SO, I JUST WANT TO DIE, COOL.

No one should bring kids to the aquarium.

Kids at the aquarium suck because they're always making stupid jokes. Oh, so you want the Clownfish to tell you a joke? Good one, I remember my first Pixar movie too. And no, we don't want to see you imitate the pufferfish... again.

Really, no one should bring kids to the aquarium.

And don't even get me started on the dolphin exhibit. Kids at the aquarium are always asking the poor "dolphin experts" a million questions. Is there a dolphin show? Has there ever been a dolphin show? Why is there no dolphin show? Just leave the poor aquarium employee alone!

And when the dolphin trainers come out to demonstrate some of the exercises that the dolphins performed when they did do shows, kids are hardly listening. Because kids at the aquarium can't stop laughing every time the trainer mentions the dolphins' most powerful muscle, the "peduncle."

Kids at the aquarium suck. And no one should bring them there.

Kids think that everything at the aquarium (the indoor rainforest with its pink birds, the polka-dot stingray, the giant sea turtle with the missing leg) is awesome but when it comes to the "Jellyfish Invasion" exhibit... well, kids at the aquarium absolutely lose their sh*t.

Kids at the aquarium just go nuts in front of the jellyfish tank. They never want to leave. Not when they've seen the same jelly do the same loop three times, not when they've taken 53 pictures, not even when the people they came with are hungry and threatening to leave them there for a Chipotle burrito.

Because of all the kids at the aquarium, the kids at the jellyfish invasion are the absolute worst.

Basically what I'm saying is that kids at the aquarium are over-enthused, over-energetic, and downright annoying. They ask way too many questions, take way too many pictures, and lose their minds over things as simple as a few jellies. And then when they're all done, they go home and blog about it.

Which is exactly why no one should ever bring me there.