January 30, 2015

And Then He Was Gone


My grandpa died on on Wednesday.

I'm lucky in that up until now, I've never lost someone with whom I was particularly close. But now here I am, 24 years old and living in a world where Pop doesn't. I woke up on Wednesday and I was in my bed in Arlington and Pop was in his bed in Baltimore. And then my cousin called me Wednesday evening and he wasn't anymore.

Pop just wasn't.

I knew it was going to happen but when my cousin called, I couldn't believe it happened. The thing is though, I don't even know if I feel sad.

I mean, I cried when I first hung up the phone, but I didn't really feel it. I had definitely felt sadness until that point but when he was finally, actually gone... I didn't feel sad. Because feeling sad would mean that I understand what it's like to be in a world where Pop isn't, and I just don't even know what that feels like. I know what it feels like to live in a world where Pop is dying. I watched it and saw him getting sicker. And that was sad in the deepest sense of the word.

But a world where Pop just doesn't exist? A world where I will never, ever again hear him say, "Hi Cole"? The word "sad" just doesn't seem right.

I don't know what to call this emotion I feel. But then again, I'm living in a world that I've never experienced before. How would I?