January 15, 2015

15 Things Manic Sports Fans Do
(and the Much Anticipated Onesie Picture)

I know that by having a blog, I technically have the right to impose any and all of my opinions on the public. (That's how blogging works, right?)

But this post, well, it isn't about that. (I don't want to abuse my power, after all, and I'd much rather force my opinions on breakfast sandwiches on you instead.)

No, the point of this post is not to dictate how a real sports fan "should" act. Because frankly, even if I were to set guidelines for such a thing, there are just too many types of sports fans out there for me to start ruling across the board.

There's the fair weather fans, the bandwagon fans, the limited to tailgate fans, the Facebook rant fans, the Facebook in-depth post game analysis fans, the perpetually pissed fans, the illogically upbeat fans, the fans who actually buy pink Broncos jerseys, the fans by association, the out-of-spite fans, the respectable fans, the Steeler fans... the list goes on and on.

No, this post is just about one specific type of fan. And really, this isn't even a post about how this type of fan "should" act. Actually, this post is just some simple, helpful hints for identifying this fan.

Because as an Overbearing, Slightly Manic Fan, I know better than anyone how you can spot us.

1. We take our game time rituals a little too seriously. Whether it be sitting in exactly the same position for 2.5 hours or wearing our good luck onesies to the grocery store, we don't mind taking one for the team.

2. We expect recognition for our hard work when our game time rituals lead to victory. Really, they're just not going to acknowledge our part in that win?

3. Not always, but we sometimes cry over a disappointing loss.

4. We also cry over particularly meaningful wins.

5. Five minutes after our team loses, friends start sending us condolence texts.

6. We don't answer until the next day, after we've had a chance to cool down.

7. Victory envy is a real thing. For a week, seeing any other team celebrate victory on SportsCenter is excruciating.

8. Actually, seeing any sort of celebration is excruciating.

9. Just make that seeing any sort of joy. Period.

10. We're not afraid to show our team some tough love. Who cares if you guys won? You looked like a bunch of scrubs.

11. Similarly, we're proud of our team's effort even if they lose. Sort of like how your mom felt about your fifth-place ribbon in your kindergarten spelling bee, except substitute a couple dozen hairy men.

12. We take any trash talk about our team very personally. Someone says your quarterback sucks and they might as well have called you a lactating gorilla nipple. And that's just not nice.

13. People we know start rooting for our team. Not because we've convinced them of our team's superiority but because our post-loss hysterics are too overwhelming.

14. People watching the game with us have left the room because "this environment is too stressful." (Sorry, Mom.)

15. You've named your car, pets, and/or various household appliances after your team's mascot. You're wondering if naming your first born child after Poe the Raven would be taking it too far. But I mean, really, is there such a thing?