December 22, 2014

How to Reach Your Holiday Health Goals

When I lived in Chicago, I worked full time as a patent paralegal and part time as a brunch trainer. (It's like a personal trainer, only with bacon.)

I really enjoyed my part time gig, despite being disappointingly underpaid for my brunching endeavors. (I was paid about -$30 a week.) But sadly, I haven't done a lot of freelance brunch work since moving.

However, I had a chance to brush up on my skills last Sunday at the infamous if not severely underrated Bayou Bakery in Court House.

Now, I'm going to suggest that every single one of you take a morning to visit the Bayou Bakery if you're ever in the area. But before I just send you out there completely unprepared, I'm going to share some tips and tricks of the trade: brunching essentials necessary for any successful holiday brunch.

And trust me: I'm an expert.

So without further ado, let's start at the number one most important thing you need for a successful brunch: a competent brunching assistant.


If you don't have one already picked out, I've listed a few qualifications you might want to use to choose a suitable assistant.

First, because brunch will inevitably include at least one picture (whether it be for Instagram or the blog), your assistant should preferably be stunningly photogenic. (You get more double taps that way.)

But by far the most important quality to look for in a potential brunching assistant is a team player attitude. For example, you need someone who will share his beignets when you've already maxed out on your calorie quota so that you can have your beignets and taste a bite of them too.

Now, before you ask, a beignet is a bayou brunch staple that gives your burpees purpose. Specifically:


Beignets should play a significant role in your overall brunching strategy:  


As you can see, beignets represent the base of the brunching food pyramid: sugars and carbs. However, an experienced bruncher will know to balance out the beignets with a healthy amount of saturated animal fat. Also know as bacon.

A good bruncher will also be concerned with her heart health, which is why she always makes sure remember the vegetables.


Because no bruncher is happier than a pseudo health conscious bruncher.

So there you have it: the basic guidelines for a happy, healthy brunch that will allow you to earn every penny of that -$35 they're paying you to munch on buttermilk biscuits with pepper jelly this holiday season.

Now, excuse me: I'm off to have a department meeting with my colleagues. My assistant and I have a lot of overtime to catch up on before Christmas.