November 17, 2014

My Dad Didn't Want Me

The following is a true story.

Despite dogs being "man's best friend," my dad does not particularly like our Cockapoo, Jasmine. In my dad's mind, no best friend would poop on the floor if left inside too long nor would a friend constantly be stealing his socks.

My dad does, however, like my mom, so much so that last week, they celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary, i.e., their "silver anniversary."

Naturally, my dad wanted to get my mom something special to celebrate their quarter century of love, which is how he ended up at the jeweler's asking about a particular diamond pendant that he thought my mom would like. Unfortunately, the pendant came on a white gold chain that was pretty, but not silver.

My quick witted father solved the problem, however, by asking the jeweler if she could put the pendant on a different, silver chain instead.

The jeweler agreed and began un-pendanting the white gold necklace. Curious, my dad asked her, "What will happen to the other chain?"

She told him, "You'll have to buy that too." She paused briefly then asked, "Do you have a dog?"

My dad understandably was confused by the slightly odd question but he answered anyway.

"Yes, I do. She's pretty dumb though. Actually, she might be the stupidest thing I've ever met."

Based on the woman's look of appalled shock, my dad quickly realized that this particular jeweler must have a passion for both jewelry and animals. After a few seconds, she asked, "Well, how old is she?"

"Oh, I don't know, three or four or five. I'm not sure. I didn't really even want her but I was coaching a basketball game when my wife called about bringing her home and I just let my assistant coach take care of it."

The lady, now visibly agitated, replied, "Well hopefully you don't have any more," as she began wrapping the jewelry box with a bit more violence than jewelry box wrapping normally requires.

"Oh, no, one is definitely enough," my dad answered, more aware than ever of how involved scissors are to the wrapping process.

As the jeweler tied the last knot on the gift, she asked my dad, "Well, do you have any sons?"

Now, my dad has notoriously bad hearing but what he lacks in ear power, he makes up for in an impressive ability to connect dots. And in this case, these particular dots were not connected a moment too soon.

Simultaneously realizing both the reason behind the jeweler's outrage and what he was going to do with the extra necklace chain, he asked, "Sorry, but did you ask if I had a dog or if I had a daughter?"