October 20, 2014

Ten "White" Things I Don't Like

Disclaimer: Before you say anything, I know that some people might consider this post politically incorrect and/or mildly offensive. I would like to direct those people to the end of this post, where they will be appropriately compensated.

Last week, I wrote a post about a bunch of "basic white girl" things that I think are pretty great. And if that post forever marked me in your mind as a "basic white girl," then so be it. This is me throwing in the infinity scarf for good: by whichever standards one judges a "basic white girl," I am probably it.

But just like every other "basic white girl" out there, just because we may drink white wine and love a good pumpkin doesn't mean that we are all the same. And more importantly, just because you know one "basic white girl" doesn't mean you know them all.

So before you assume my Starbucks order, I want you to put down the PSL and read this list. Because there are several "white girl" things that this particular basic girl doesn't like and really, doesn't even really get.

1. Pumpkin Spice Lattes. I tried my very first one this weekend, expecting it to taste as good as pumpkin pie. Turns out that pumpkin pie is still the only thing that tastes as good as pumpkin pie.

2. Car selfies. Based on my Facebook friends, I had always assumed people look hotter in a car. I mean, why else would there be so many selfies there? So I tried it for myself this weekend and although it did make the DC traffic more bearable, I am not impressed with the result. I look just as awkward, only wearing a seatbelt.

3. Ombre Hair. So roots are bad, unless they're very long roots. Then it's stylish.

4. This. What is this?

5. Uggs. There is a time and a place for moon boots, and that is any time on the moon. I.e., where most white girls are not.

6. Lululemon. People have tried to convince me that these $100 yoga pants actually are really worth it. But unless someone tells me that they'll make me poop out $100 bills to replace the cash I spent on black spandex, I am not about to find out for myself.

7. Whole Foods. They do have some pretty neat stuff but in general, my Walmart raisins taste just as good as Whole Foods' free range organic Paleo-approved raisins. They just cost less.

8. Tory Burch stuff.
I might just be bitter about this one because it took me almost six months to figure out what was on every city girl's toes. But even once I figured out that it was Tory Burch's symbol, not the Knights of Templar's, I still didn't get it. What's wrong with Target flats?

9. Chevron. I just really want to know who made this pattern internet royalty.

10. This song. Make it stop.

And as promised: For those of you who read this list and were mildly offended, please consider this picture of my best friend covering her forehead in fake snow as consolation, along with my deepest apologies.

Happy Monday. Also, just a word of caution: keep your head out of the seasonal decorations this year. There's pink eye there.