October 03, 2014

Ten People Who Need to Get off the Internet


After hearing something particularly controversial or alarming, there are two general types of people in the world. Take, for example, the current Ebola situation; there is the type of person who:

A. analyzes the circumstances in a calm and calculated manner, and perhaps washes their hands.

And then there's the other type of person who:

B. becomes immediately consumed with a maybe rational, probably irrational, but who really cares because we're all obviously going to die anyway? hysteria.

As the poster child for type B, I don't want to be too harsh on the frenzied conclusion-jumpers out there, jumping to conclusions based on nothing more than 140 characters of alarm. But I will say this: there are certain types of people who don't belong on the internet, and this type B may very well be one of them.

But the thing is, just because someone probably doesn't belong on the internet doesn't mean that he isn't going to be there. I mean, just look at me.

Really, the internet is just ripe with people who really shouldn't be there. And if you don't believe me, just take one scroll through your Facebook feed. I can guarantee you will find each of the ten people below, all of whom really have no business being on the internet at all.

1. The vaguely sad one. This one is either constantly troubled or just really enjoys typing out generally irrelevant Coldplay lyrics.

2. The outright sad one. This one is definitely constantly troubled, and she'll tell you why.

3. The one who just ate a Special K bar after the gym but thinks she still might be somewhat hungry, yet doesn't want to ruin her dinner because she and her hubby are making tacos tonight after they walk the pups. Just in case you wanted to know.

4. The crazy right-wing lady. Always linking to very helpful articles, like "Obama Confirmed to Be the Cause of Seasonal Allergies"

5. The one with a thesaurus. You have no idea WTF his status means, but you bet it's super intelligent.

6. The one who might possibly have a dog. You're just waiting for the 1,856th picture to confirm though.

7. The Motivator. Always there with sunrise overlay-ed encouragement.

8. The foreign guy who lives in America, but you don't really know why. At least someone here seems to have a handle on what's wrong with this country and exactly how to fix it, though.

9. The one who isn't sure if you know what Buzzfeed is. But don't worry, she'll link to 22 articles an hour in case you don't.

10. The one who constantly links to her blog. But guys, this list is REALLY funny, this time I swear.

Happy Friday. And remember, this might not be the end of times, but wash your hands anyway.