September 03, 2014

A Critique of 10 Unmistakable Signs That You're in a Grown-up's Apartment

Live flowers in my Chicago apartment, evidently the sign of adulthood. (And not that my mom came to visit.)
To me, nothing is more impressive than the fact that past generations managed to continue existing after elementary school. You see, those generation didn't have AIM to keep them up to date on the complex and continuously changing social standards of middle school, they didn't have Facebook to monitor their public status in high school, and how did anyone ever find their soul mate in college without a means of keeping uninterrupted tabs on relative strangers?

But perhaps most important of all the contributions the internet has made to society is the steady flow of lists that allow young adults to check their progress in becoming young adults. I mean, before we had a blueprint of 25 things to do before you're 25, how on earth did we ever know we were ready?

You can't really deny the importance of the increasingly-popular lists popping up on our Facebook feeds... which is why I became so enraged when I found this post from none other than the Huffington Post, titled "10 Unmistakable Signs That You're In A Grown-Up's Apartment."

I clicked on the article right before I paid my electric bill, just to double check that I am actually a grown-up and did indeed have the authority to do things like pay electric bills. But as I read, I become increasingly agitated and eventually irate.

The point of the article is to give guidance on how to tell that you are in a grown-up's apartment, should you ever find yourself in an unidentified room and are unsure if it belongs to an adult or a toddler. Undeniably a vital tool for the times you stumble into a strange new room, but unfortunately HuffPost really dropped the ball here... because each and every item on this list indicated something entirely different than a grown-up's apartment.

Hard to believe and harder to stomach, I know. But luckily, as is my duty as a blogger, I have gone through and critiqued the entire list to tell you what each item ACTUALLY signals:

1. Actual hand towels in the bathroom. Not bath towels. This means you are in a Holiday Inn.
2. Framed art and/or photos. Not taped or tacked onto the wall. And definitely no Bob Marley memorabilia. This means you've found someone who owns a hammer.
3. Non-essential furniture. Think ottomans, poufs and anything with some level of style that just screams "disposable income." This means that some people dispose of their income. And I don't even know what that means.
4. Living flowers or plants. The most elusive sign of maturity and a healthy work/life balance. This means that you are not in the home of an attorney.
5. Matching dishes. Even if they're from IKEA. We all know the difference between "stylishly mismatched" and "I've had these since college, as denoted by all the chipped edges. P.s. There might be ceramic in that soup." This means you've met the confusing type of person who owned ceramic dishes in college.
6. An actual bed -- not a mattress-on-the-floor situation. Bonus points for bedding beyond a comforter and flat pillows. This means you are most likely in a first world country.
7. Cloth napkins and/or a tablecloth. This is a sign of "Advanced Adulthood" and that you'll be having something other than pizza at this person's house. This means you're in Pottery Barn.
8. The right glasses for the right beverages. At the very least, actual wine glasses. Because no one wants to drink their wine out of a Charlie Brown mug. This means you've found someone who enjoys garage sales.
9. Curtains. A window with a set of mini-blinds which angle jauntily to one side has become a blight. Stop the madness. This means you've found someone with an exceptional vocabulary.
10. A dining table. It doesn't have to be big. It just has to be the alternative to "hunched over the coffee table" and "hunched over the kitchen sink." This means you've found someone with outright table discrimination... who says a coffee table can't do everything dining tables can? Did we learn nothing from the Feminist Movement?!

Now believe me, finding such an outrageous miscarriage of responsibility by a trusted source was just as disturbing to me as I'm sure it was to you. And I normally love the Huffington Post, so it pains me that I had to do this.

But as a responsible member of the selfie generation, how can I in good conscious see something I don't agree with and NOT let everyone know?