August 29, 2014

New Study Shows That Old People Hate Toasters

New Study Shows That Old People Hate Toasters
By Nicole Clarke

ARLINGTON, Virginia - In a recent study, researchers have found that 93% of people over the age of 50 believe that younger generations are too reliant on the toaster.

“Back when I was growing up, the family would gather around my mom’s head when she used heated hair rollers to toast our bread,” said Donna, age 52. “Face to face interaction: that’s what today’s generation is missing!”

“Kids today don’t know how to even use the outdoors anymore. When I was a kid, our parents would send us outside to toast our bread using my dad’s lawnmower fumes. Kids today, they sit inside all day, waiting for their toast to just pop right up,” said Third Nipple Barney, age 63, who declined to comment on how he got a third nipple.

Unrest has been mounting for years among older generations due to the growing popularity of the toaster, despite a marked increase in toasting efficiency. Some of the younger toaster-advocates have argued that they've grown up in a world where toasters are not just a luxury, but a breakfast necessity; however, this opinion is met with open criticism from their elders.

“So what that this fandangled toasty makes toasting twice as fast, giving us more time to attend to our scrambled eggs? It’s the principle! Forty minutes over a gas lamp with a piece of Wonder Bread would do this generation some good, I tell you,” said Marny, age 58.

It’s easy to see why older generations are feeling an increased resentment toward the household appliance; breakfast has historically been a simple, civilized affair before the introduction of the toaster. Although the toaster has undeniably made numerous contributions to not only breakfast, but sandwich making in general, there is no doubt that the toaster is behind the recent struggles surrounding the meal.

According to Third Nipple Barney, “Back in the good ole days, there was no such thing as burnt toast. The fact that it exists today can only be the result of one thing: the toaster.”

No word yet on how Jonathan Swift, author of "A Modest Proposal," feels the toaster has affected the dietary preparation children.