August 22, 2014

Day Whatever: Ten Completely Generic Things I Didn't Do during a Personal Meltdown

I didn't think to photograph my meltdown, but I did take a picture of this a few weeks ago.
So, how ironic of me to follow up a post about being productive with a solid week without blogging? I love irony, but I promise that it wasn't intentional. It also had very little to do with a lack of productivity, per say, but more so a moderate personal meltdown.

Now, if you're not sure how one goes about moderately melting down... I don't blame you. has seemed to cover every topic imaginable (and even the unimaginable, frankly... unless there is someone with a need for "17 Wacky Facts about August's Birthstone"), but has yet to cover how to have an effective personal crisis.

Which is a bit unfortunate, because a lot of people now days really don't know how to do anything without a little guidance. (I mean, how did anyone ever become 26 years old before Buzzfeed?!) That being said, I've developed this list of ten things you might consider doing to really kick off your meltdown in the right direction.

Now, remember that this list is only a suggestion, because how one goes about a personal crisis is an extremely individual decision. And it's a choice with infinite possibilities: you can go Britney Spears style, and try out the "shaved head" look, or you can go the more productive Adele route and turn your crises into a multimillion dollar album. Your choice.

And as I do my best to remain as enigmatic online as possible (that and my parents read my blog), this also is definitely not what I did. That being said, I can't guarantee this will make you millions or even be all that effective. I can say, however, that you will most likely make it out with your hair.

So without further ado, ten things you can do during an personal meltdown:

1. Over-emotionally binge watch Orange is the New Black to the point of literal tears. Because Piper and Larry are perfect for each other, dammit, and now even they're breaking up?!
2. Decide your first run in a week should be a 10-miler. Just like therapy, only a lot cheaper and without the squishy pillows.
3. Remember that you memorized the lyrics to the 2003 Blink-182 album in your wannabe-emo middle school years. Proceed accordingly.
4. Decide against your better judgment to not cancel your Saturday night plans and go out with a friend from high school and a few of his college friends, i.e. three strangers. Preferably, choose to start at a bar that offers game rentals, such as Cards Against Humanity.
5. Use this game to unintentionally imply to said three strangers that your anti-drug is "choir boys."
6. Spend the rest of the night not declining drinks.
7. Capitalize on any opportunity to eat a small dog sized piece of pizza under a disco ball at 2AM.
8. Get up the next morning to meet a fellow DC blogger for brunch at a pseudo-European cafe with sub-par Bloody Marys and amazing open faced sandwiches. Try and fail to keep your cool after learning that she is literally the best runner you have ever met in real life.
9. Come home and sleep the rest of the afternoon, because you're old now and forgot how alcohol works. (I.e. when it does, you don't.)
10. Pull yourself together, watch the news for some perspective, and snap out of it.

Now, like I said, this is absolutely not coming from personal experience. Because I am a blogger and as we all know, bloggers do not engage in activities like personal meltdowns. No, us bloggers live perfect, made-for-book-deal lives. And even if we did meltdown, it would involve yoga and charity work, certainly not pizza. (Or even gluten, for that matter.)

But if you were going to suffer an ironically timed break from blogging (and social media in general), I'm just saying that you probably wouldn't regret the pizza. Not that I would know, though.