July 10, 2014

Day 39: Five Friend Critera

me, a couple of my friends, and a random Chinese lady who asked to take a picture with us
A few weeks ago, I signed up as a free agent in a sand volleyball league in the area.  Our first game was supposed to be tonight but because of thunderstorms, it was cancelled.

So in a rare twist of events, I'm eating dinner in front of my laptop alone tonight.

After the game was called, I realized how much I had been looking forward to it.  It's not because I really love volleyball or anything, and I'm impartial to sand at best.

I guess I was just excited about maybe making some local friends, the type who don't live two hours away.  You know, the friends you can invite over for dinner without worrying about guest bed sheets and Cheerios in the morning.

I've never met or seen anyone on my team, but there isn't a doubt in my mind that one of them is potentially my new no-Cheerios pal.  And if you're wondering how I know this, it's simple: I don't have many criteria for my friends.

In fact, there are only five main things I look for when deciding if someone makes the cut:

1.  Must work under the assumption that I'm joking.  At my last job, one of my co-workers told the lunchroom that she had to watch her neighbor's cat that weekend.  My knee-jerk reaction was to reply, "Watch it do what?"  I'm pretty sure some people there still don't think I understand the concept of pet-sitting.

I have an extremely deadpan sense of humor that's mediocre at best, but recognizing it is non-negotiable.

2.  Should be able to talk about sports.  A few weeks ago, one of my best friends thought that the Orioles were playing the Oakland Raiders... so this one is obviously negotiable.  But it is nice when I find someone who also enjoys commiserating about how much of a dirty, cheating pansy Tom Brady really is.

3.  Must condone alcohol.  I'm not a huge drinker, but if someone can't accept a life based on weekly Bloody Marys... the deal is off.

4.  Must accept that sometimes, I have no good excuse.  Sometimes the reason I don't want to go out is because I just don't feel like pants.  And if I can't manage the effort to pant myself, it's safe to say I don't have the stamina it takes to think of an outlandish but possibly believable excuse.

5.  Must be a good person.  I know this is vague but it pretty much encompasses the basics: must not steal my stuff or eat all the pepperoni off our pizza, and should abstain from axe-murdering in general.  You know, be the type of person who might consider giving me the last breadstick at Olive Garden.

That being said, if you're in the area, know a thing or two about LeBron James, and have never owned an axe: my next game isn't until next Wednesday, so I'm accepting applications.

Feel Again by One Republic on Grooveshark

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