June 23, 2014

Day 22: Things That Need to Be Invented

When I posted the other day about my job, I unintentionally let a lot of my readers down; at least 20 people were under the impression that regenerating meatballs will soon be on the market.

Technically, I'm not allowed to talk about my work but I do have enough compassion to tell you all now that as far as I know, the market for regenerating meatballs is still wide open.  Actually any regenerating meat product, for that matter.

And if we're being really honest, most of the inventions I deal with probably aren't too exciting to the casual blog reader.  I haven't, for example, represented the inventor of the Crumbnut, as much as I'd like to say I had a hand in that truly humanitarian innovation.

And just so we're clear, here are eight other things that I haven't helped patent (but I really wish I could).

1.  Workout in a bottle.  Sometimes I really feel like a run.  Other times though, I really just feel like waffles.  I'm just saying it would be nice to take a shot of "ten miler" with my brunch, without having to actually put on my shoes.

2.  English to English translator.  Google's got English to French and English to Spanish down... but what happens when I want to speak "golf"?

3.  Hard-Boiled Egg De-Sheller.  Are hard-boiled eggs impossible to de-shell, or am I only the one who always seems to take hers crunchy?

4.  Hair-un-cut.  Actually, I think they just call that a weave.

5.  Small Talk Autopilot.  Sometimes when I'm at a party, I just really want to think about pizza while my mouth does the small talk for me.  Is that so much to ask?

6.  Naturally potty-trained gene.  The Supreme Court says human genes can't be patented, but I think they'd make an exception if we never have to clean toddler poop off a training potty again.

7.  Self-Tanner Scanner.  For the times when no one tells you that your face is three shades darker than your neck.

8.  Cut-and-Paste Conclusion Generator.  Because no good blog post ends without a decent closing paragraph.  It'd be like ending a sentence in a preposition; if we all did that, where would the world be at?

Irony is just honesty with the volume cranked up.
- George Saunders