June 20, 2014

Day 19: 10 Things That Happen When You Live Alone


As I was walking home from work yesterday, a pleasant kid dressed as a piece of pizza asked me if I wanted to try throwing a beanbag into a hole to win a free pizza.  The guy seemed nice and he was even pepperoni, but still I declined.  He then said to me, "C'mon, I can tell you have what it takes."  To which I said, "Yeah, but I don't have anyone to eat pizza with."

It was one of those things that comes out of your mouth before your brain has really even given it the OK, and one of those things you regret before you're even finished saying it.  I was humiliated.

One, because... well, c'mon.  When you're talking to a guy dressed as a piece of pepperoni pizza and you are the more pitiful one, there's a problem.

And two, it wasn't even really true.  Last week, I had dinner with two different friends after work.  One night, I had crepes, the other, mussels.  Surely at least one of them could be convinced to share a free pizza with me.  I mean, my jokes aren't that bad.

No, the reason I said it wasn't because I am actually alone... I just forget that I'm not.  I've spent the majority of the last two years living in a city where I came knowing absolutely no one.  I think I've gotten so used to living alone that I don't always remember that I'm not alone anymore.

And that got me thinking: what else have I gotten used to after living by myself for a while?

So here it is: the elevator pitch on the ten most common things that happen when you live alone:

1.  You never fill the pepper shaker.  See Exhibit A, pictured above.  I've got the salt but to hell with the pepper.  Everyone knows it's just for decoration anyway.

2.  Your laptop has a pretty unacceptable amount of crumbs in the keyboard.  It's bound to happen when it's where you eat dinner most nights.  Again, see Exhibit A.

3.  You become infinitely more organized.  If you run out of toilet paper, there's no one to pick some up for you after work.  Depending on the circumstance, this can be more or less catastrophic.

4.  You forget your bathroom even has a door.

5.  Your average bed straightening time decreases significantly.  You only sleep on one side, doubling your ABSR (average bed straightening rate).

6.  The only thing in your cabinet is one can of tuna.  Which you will be eating tonight.

7.  It takes three weeks after you move in to completely un-box your stuff.  But why would you when they make such convenient coffee tables?

8.  You take your mid-night bathroom breaks at a sprint. Everyone knows ghosts are 57% more likely to strike when you're alone.

9.  You stand in your kitchen in just your underwear eating the last of the yogurt straight from the container.   Not that I  have specifically ever done that half an hour ago or anything.

10.  You say things like "I don't have anyone to eat pizza with" to strangers you meet on the street.  But then again, more pizza for you.

Linking up with Whitney this Friday.  I had to.